The Director's Wife

Letting go of Josiah is something I really don't think about.  About a year ago I struggled with a tremendous amount of guilt.  I felt guilty about the amount of time I spent in the ER with him after he died. I still have the time table in my head.... 5:29pm I got home from work 19 minutes go by 5:48pm Marcel calls 911 5 minutes go by 5:53pm first responder arrives, we are transported to the ER 22 minutes go by 6:45pm Josiah is pronounced dead in the ER 11 minutes go by 6:56pm Marcel takes the first picture of me holding Josiah in the ER 1 hour and 4 minutes go by 8:30pm I look at the clock in our ER room and told Marcel...."Let's leave at 9:00pm." 45 minutes go by 9:15pm we tell the nurses we are ready to go, we kiss Josiah good bye for the last time 5 minutes go by 3 hours and 30 minutes from when we found Josiah we left his body at the hospital 9:20pm we meet the Medical Examiner on our way out...we walk back in with her to tell our story 55 minutes go by 10:15pm w...

It's been a pretty good week around here.  Grief is funny.  At times you feel almost "guilty" about being happy or doing "ok".  I'm learning from reading the Bible that you can mourn AND be happy at the same time.  It's quit an odd feeling. One thing that has really triggered me this week is The Church Directory.  Our church is in the middle of updating our directory and so they asked all of us to look at our picture and information and make any updates that are needed......gulp.....here is our picture from last year.... Do you see what I see????  Yep, no Josiah.  My heart sank when I realized we could not add him or have a family picture with him in our church directory.   This made me feel like he never existed.  It doesn't make sense to list someone who is no longer here.  I get that.  It just hurts...I wish he was in at least one directory.  It's like we just skipped that part of our families history.  ...

For those who know me you know that my birthday is a big deal to me.....  It's one of the best days of the year! "Amy, when is your birthday?" Why, I'm so glad you asked....... CINCO DE MAYO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In fact my Bridal Shower was also my 40th Birthday Celebration  and as you can see below a CINCO DE MAYO theme!  Perfect just perfect! This year I was silent. I did not announce that it was CINCO DE MAYO.   I did not change my cover photo on Facebook to a CINCO DE MAYO theme.   I did not want any attention drawn to my birthday. Why? Because I did not want to turn 45.   I did not want to leave year 44 behind.   When I turned 44 on May 5, 2018 I was a brand new momma to my baby boy Josiah.   He was 2 weeks old when we celebrated last year.   S o this past Sunday was fast approaching and although I did not know it at the time I began to have a...

i feel alone most of the time everyone has disappeared "my loved ones and my friends stand aloof from my plague,  and my relatives stand afar off" (psalm 38:11) i'm crying i'm alone i'm in pain i'm alone my arms are empty no one is here to fill them my breasts are filled with milk no one is here to drink my body wakes no one is crying my time is free there is only one to attend to now "but now Lord, what do I wait for? my HOPE is in YOU" (psalm 29:7) I love breastfeeding.  As the hours began to get longer and longer after Josiah died I was painfully aware he was not around.  My breasts began to swell, it was obvious he was not there to relieve me....I would have to do it myself. After we said goodbye to Josiah we began to leave the hospital.  Tressa Hiezenga was the police officer assigned to us and she walked us out.  In my hand I held the little purple box they gave us with a lo...

Will I forget him?  This is what I fear most.   The days after Josiah left us I was in such a panic because I feared Adeline would not remember her brother.  I would talk about him all the time with her, practically forcing him down her throat.   For the first 30 days she did not even mention him.   Hello????    He's your brother.... I was sick with the possibility that she would forget him.   Why aren't you asking where he is???   Why aren't you looking for him????? Probably around month 2 Adeline began to talk about Josiah on her own.  We ask Jesus every night to give Josiah a big hug and kiss in heaven because we miss him.  The other day she randomly said she missed him....although this is sad it also made me EXTREMELY HAPPY to hear her say those words on her own. Josiah and Adeline  were only 27 months apart. They were just beginning to play together.  We were trying...

Dear Sweet Friend, I am so sorry you are receiving this letter.  You see, this is a letter to help you prepare for a tremendous amount of pain.  I do not want to write this letter but I fear if you do not get this information in a timely manner you will drown to death and be of no use to those you love.  Please listen to my advise.  Take a little of it or take a lot but at least listen.   He's coming....this evil, dark, overwhelming, powerful beast called grief.  You can not outrun him, you can not hide from him, you can not overpower him.  He is much stronger and bigger than you. MUCH STRONGER AND BIGGER THAN YOU. His black cloud will sneak up on you, he will wrap his dark, black arms around you when you least expect it.  He will take you down... not all the time, but sometimes you will be taken down by his strength, you will be forced to lie on the ground or in your bed and he will not let you get up until he feels like ...