The Director's Wife

It's been a pretty good week around here.  Grief is funny.  At times you feel almost "guilty" about being happy or doing "ok".  I'm learning from reading the Bible that you can mourn AND be happy at the same time.  It's quit an odd feeling. One thing that has really triggered me this week is The Church Directory.  Our church is in the middle of updating our directory and so they asked all of us to look at our picture and information and make any updates that are needed......gulp.....here is our picture from last year.... Do you see what I see????  Yep, no Josiah.  My heart sank when I realized we could not add him or have a family picture with him in our church directory.   This made me feel like he never existed.  It doesn't make sense to list someone who is no longer here.  I get that.  It just hurts...I wish he was in at least one directory.  It's like we just skipped that part of our families history.  ...

For those who know me you know that my birthday is a big deal to me.....  It's one of the best days of the year! "Amy, when is your birthday?" Why, I'm so glad you asked....... CINCO DE MAYO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In fact my Bridal Shower was also my 40th Birthday Celebration  and as you can see below a CINCO DE MAYO theme!  Perfect just perfect! This year I was silent. I did not announce that it was CINCO DE MAYO.   I did not change my cover photo on Facebook to a CINCO DE MAYO theme.   I did not want any attention drawn to my birthday. Why? Because I did not want to turn 45.   I did not want to leave year 44 behind.   When I turned 44 on May 5, 2018 I was a brand new momma to my baby boy Josiah.   He was 2 weeks old when we celebrated last year.   S o this past Sunday was fast approaching and although I did not know it at the time I began to have a...

i feel alone most of the time everyone has disappeared "my loved ones and my friends stand aloof from my plague,  and my relatives stand afar off" (psalm 38:11) i'm crying i'm alone i'm in pain i'm alone my arms are empty no one is here to fill them my breasts are filled with milk no one is here to drink my body wakes no one is crying my time is free there is only one to attend to now "but now Lord, what do I wait for? my HOPE is in YOU" (psalm 29:7) I love breastfeeding.  As the hours began to get longer and longer after Josiah died I was painfully aware he was not around.  My breasts began to swell, it was obvious he was not there to relieve me....I would have to do it myself. After we said goodbye to Josiah we began to leave the hospital.  Tressa Hiezenga was the police officer assigned to us and she walked us out.  In my hand I held the little purple box they gave us with a lo...

It has been tough.   I feel like I'm going insane. I do not want to feel this way. The pain is just too much. I'm holding on by a thread. I'm crazy....today when picking out my clothes I opened my drawer and then stared at my gray shirt with silver strips.  I stared at it for 2 minutes, then I made a conscience decision to pick it up and put it on.    This shirt is the shirt I wore the last time I saw my son alive.   It was the shirt I wore the last time I fed my son from my breast. This shirt is the shirt I wore the night I gave my son CPR.  The night I heard my breath enter my sons lungs as I watched his chest move up and down.    Insane. I do not know how to deal with this pain.  It gets better, then it gets worse. Some might say, why?  Why do you torture yourself by wearing that shirt.  Well I'll tell you, because it makes me feel closer my son.  It reminds me of what...

Will I forget him?  This is what I fear most.   The days after Josiah left us I was in such a panic because I feared Adeline would not remember her brother.  I would talk about him all the time with her, practically forcing him down her throat.   For the first 30 days she did not even mention him.   Hello????    He's your brother.... I was sick with the possibility that she would forget him.   Why aren't you asking where he is???   Why aren't you looking for him????? Probably around month 2 Adeline began to talk about Josiah on her own.  We ask Jesus every night to give Josiah a big hug and kiss in heaven because we miss him.  The other day she randomly said she missed him....although this is sad it also made me EXTREMELY HAPPY to hear her say those words on her own. Josiah and Adeline  were only 27 months apart. They were just beginning to play together.  We were trying...

Dear Sweet Friend, I am so sorry you are receiving this letter.  You see, this is a letter to help you prepare for a tremendous amount of pain.  I do not want to write this letter but I fear if you do not get this information in a timely manner you will drown to death and be of no use to those you love.  Please listen to my advise.  Take a little of it or take a lot but at least listen.   He's coming....this evil, dark, overwhelming, powerful beast called grief.  You can not outrun him, you can not hide from him, you can not overpower him.  He is much stronger and bigger than you. MUCH STRONGER AND BIGGER THAN YOU. His black cloud will sneak up on you, he will wrap his dark, black arms around you when you least expect it.  He will take you down... not all the time, but sometimes you will be taken down by his strength, you will be forced to lie on the ground or in your bed and he will not let you get up until he feels like ...