The Director's Wife

It's been a pretty good week around here.  Grief is funny.  At times you feel almost "guilty" about being happy or doing "ok".  I'm learning from reading the Bible that you can mourn AND be happy at the same time.  It's quit an odd feeling. One thing that has really triggered me this week is The Church Directory.  Our church is in the middle of updating our directory and so they asked all of us to look at our picture and information and make any updates that are needed......gulp.....here is our picture from last year.... Do you see what I see????  Yep, no Josiah.  My heart sank when I realized we could not add him or have a family picture with him in our church directory.   This made me feel like he never existed.  It doesn't make sense to list someone who is no longer here.  I get that.  It just hurts...I wish he was in at least one directory.  It's like we just skipped that part of our families history.  ...

i feel alone most of the time everyone has disappeared "my loved ones and my friends stand aloof from my plague,  and my relatives stand afar off" (psalm 38:11) i'm crying i'm alone i'm in pain i'm alone my arms are empty no one is here to fill them my breasts are filled with milk no one is here to drink my body wakes no one is crying my time is free there is only one to attend to now "but now Lord, what do I wait for? my HOPE is in YOU" (psalm 29:7) I love breastfeeding.  As the hours began to get longer and longer after Josiah died I was painfully aware he was not around.  My breasts began to swell, it was obvious he was not there to relieve me....I would have to do it myself. After we said goodbye to Josiah we began to leave the hospital.  Tressa Hiezenga was the police officer assigned to us and she walked us out.  In my hand I held the little purple box they gave us with a lo...