The Director's Wife

For those who know me you know that my birthday is a big deal to me.....  It's one of the best days of the year! "Amy, when is your birthday?" Why, I'm so glad you asked....... CINCO DE MAYO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In fact my Bridal Shower was also my 40th Birthday Celebration  and as you can see below a CINCO DE MAYO theme!  Perfect just perfect! This year I was silent. I did not announce that it was CINCO DE MAYO.   I did not change my cover photo on Facebook to a CINCO DE MAYO theme.   I did not want any attention drawn to my birthday. Why? Because I did not want to turn 45.   I did not want to leave year 44 behind.   When I turned 44 on May 5, 2018 I was a brand new momma to my baby boy Josiah.   He was 2 weeks old when we celebrated last year.   S o this past Sunday was fast approaching and although I did not know it at the time I began to have a...

i feel alone most of the time everyone has disappeared "my loved ones and my friends stand aloof from my plague,  and my relatives stand afar off" (psalm 38:11) i'm crying i'm alone i'm in pain i'm alone my arms are empty no one is here to fill them my breasts are filled with milk no one is here to drink my body wakes no one is crying my time is free there is only one to attend to now "but now Lord, what do I wait for? my HOPE is in YOU" (psalm 29:7) I love breastfeeding.  As the hours began to get longer and longer after Josiah died I was painfully aware he was not around.  My breasts began to swell, it was obvious he was not there to relieve me....I would have to do it myself. After we said goodbye to Josiah we began to leave the hospital.  Tressa Hiezenga was the police officer assigned to us and she walked us out.  In my hand I held the little purple box they gave us with a lo...

It has been tough.   I feel like I'm going insane. I do not want to feel this way. The pain is just too much. I'm holding on by a thread. I'm crazy....today when picking out my clothes I opened my drawer and then stared at my gray shirt with silver strips.  I stared at it for 2 minutes, then I made a conscience decision to pick it up and put it on.    This shirt is the shirt I wore the last time I saw my son alive.   It was the shirt I wore the last time I fed my son from my breast. This shirt is the shirt I wore the night I gave my son CPR.  The night I heard my breath enter my sons lungs as I watched his chest move up and down.    Insane. I do not know how to deal with this pain.  It gets better, then it gets worse. Some might say, why?  Why do you torture yourself by wearing that shirt.  Well I'll tell you, because it makes me feel closer my son.  It reminds me of what...

Will I forget him?  This is what I fear most.   The days after Josiah left us I was in such a panic because I feared Adeline would not remember her brother.  I would talk about him all the time with her, practically forcing him down her throat.   For the first 30 days she did not even mention him.   Hello????    He's your brother.... I was sick with the possibility that she would forget him.   Why aren't you asking where he is???   Why aren't you looking for him????? Probably around month 2 Adeline began to talk about Josiah on her own.  We ask Jesus every night to give Josiah a big hug and kiss in heaven because we miss him.  The other day she randomly said she missed him....although this is sad it also made me EXTREMELY HAPPY to hear her say those words on her own. Josiah and Adeline  were only 27 months apart. They were just beginning to play together.  We were trying...

Welcome to my blog.  I am The Director's Wife.....And Then Some!  I am super excited to start this new blog.  I lost my 6-month-old son 2 weeks ago on October 26, 2018.  He was my baby boy and I love him very very much.  With God's help and the support of my husband I am getting through this season.  And I truly believe this is only a season....there are great things ahead.                                                                                              This blog is my way of coping, healing, and sharing my thoughts in a creative way.  My hope is to provide hope to other women/men who are going through the same things that I am.  I also want to share my faith, my life, and just general "stuff" that ...